we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
