I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
