If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
