the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
