cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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