i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have aggressive nipples.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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