I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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