take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
