...so i touched it.
My cat gives me a boner
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
