Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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