dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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