All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
