im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
