The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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