Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
