I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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