apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
