My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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