i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
