Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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