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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
