Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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