I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Welp...herpes.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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