you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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