Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
