Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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