I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
