I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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