i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
