it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
