I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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