he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
