i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
