laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
