You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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