i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
