She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
