apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
