are you still at the devil's house?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
