So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
