I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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