Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
