Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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