youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
babies were throwing up all over the place
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
