Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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