i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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