Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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