I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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