The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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