He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
